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Genesis
God made the Earth in six days, and on the
seventh day he drew up the plans for the perfect human. For two weeks
God crafted a being after himself, and on the fifteenth day (Bunday),
God looked upon his work, and was in awe for 24 horus, which became
known as "Hot-cross-bunday". After this time, God grew jelous, he had
created a being far superior to himself, and so before Bunday could
fully come to terms with his power, God cast him down to Earth to live
in poverty.
On the way down from the Heavens, Bunday wanged his head on an
aeroplane wing, coincidentally it was being piloted by Bryan's dad, and
chipped one of his incredibly sexy teeth. Bunday was now not complete,
and could never harness his true power, although he is still fucking
sexy!
Bunday's Ark
After four score and five years on
Earth, Bunday looked about him, and realised how ugly everyone was,
that's beside the point though.
God sent four plagues down to Earth to try and kill Bunday, two of them
were paper darts that missed Bunday entirely, and one was when God was
drunk and tried to piss on Bunday from several light-years away, but
the fourth was when God flooded the planet.
Obviously, God's angels could not resist Bunday, so they came down and
told him of God's plan. Being the incredibly pinnacle of goodness that
he is, Bunday decided to save two of the fittest women from every
country.
And so it was, that Bunday proclaimed, "I'm horny," and all the fittest
women on Earth who thought they had a chance with him magically sprung
through time and space to be with him. With his inherant powers of
coffee making, Bunday pulled out a gian styrofoam cup, and for forty
days and forty nights Bunday was in close quarters with all the fittest
women you could ever hope to see. What a guy....
And on the forty-first day, Bunday saw that Danny Wells had
stowed away behind the throng of fit women, this made Bunday fucking
mad! What a pervert! So Bunday plucked Danny Wells from his place of
refuge, and cast him to the sea. There was a resounding "SPLAT", and
Bunday realised that all the water had dried up, and it was safe for
him and his army of fit women to reclaim and repopulate the Earth.
The Legend of Sam
God gave birth one day (he's God,
he can have a uterus if he wants), for a long time God thought his
child had two umbilical cords, but no, one of them was his son's penis.
God was proud, "He won't be embarressed to take a shower with the guys
at the gym!" God often said to his friends and coworkers. It didn't
take long for Sam to grow up, fifteen minutes in fact, and Sam was soon
riding his penis around the world, looking for evil to fight.
The Devil was appalled, his son, whom he had named Bryan, had a
microscopic willy, and looked like a girl. To prove his manliness, the
Devil sent Bryan out to do battle with Sam.
Long story short, Sam won.
Easily.
Unfortunately, as Sam was about to make the final blow, Bryan's long
luxurious hair flowed upwards, into Sam's eye, causing Sam to miss
Bryan entirely, and fall from their Heavenly battle field to Earth.
Sam collided with Earth, but did not stop, his penis whipped the ground
and is crashed downwards, causing what it now known as The Grand
Canyon, or as it is written in Bundism, "The Big Willy Mark".
Sam could have jumped up to Earth simply enough, but he had caught
sight of Bunday on his way down from Heaven, and felt that he must
remain in this place until he could catch another glimpse.
Freeing of the Jews
Bunday was looking around West
Quay one day, where he spent his immortal life working at Costa, and
noticed that all the Jews were going into McDonalds, (this was clearly
because Jews are not allowed to eat cows, and there is no beef in
McDonalds burgers).
In a booming voice, that rang over the chatter of the crowds, Bunday
yelled "ERRRRGH, that is RANK, come to Costa," and so Bunday and the
Jews began their pilgramage across West Quay to Costa.
Although it's just around the food court, there were many perils, the
manager of McDonalds trying to follow them for one thing, although he
was so retarded that he killed himself and everyone around him trying
to get out from behind the counter, noone knows how, it was just how
retarded McDonalds employees are.
As Bunday led the Jews down the tiny escalator, he spotted the final
hurdle, a huge puddle of coffee. Bunday had a weapon though, faith.
Bunday knew that the good mop would save him, and so he leaned over and
borrowed it from his boss, and cut a path through the coffee for the
Jews to follow. Although it was quite sticky to talk over, they made
do, and the Jews never again had to eat rank, disgusting, diseased
burgers instead of indulging in posh coffees.
The Ten Commandments
Bunday was at home one day, admiring himself in the mirror, as
there is nothing better to look at, when he realised he wasn't pulling
off the incredible super-model pouts and poses that he was attempting.
This could not be, as Bunday is perfect, and so Bunday realised he was
receiving a divine message from himself.
This message was the rules for all followers of Bundism to follow:
1)Love Bunday
2)Worship Bunday
3)Take no other idol over Bunday (like Bryan)
4)Be jealous of Bunday
5)Love thy favourite band (U2)
6)Or at least Costa
7)Love thy mirror
8)Love Bunday's mirror more
9)You may love thy family, but never as much as Bunday
10)Destroy all ugly people
